LDS Singles

Thriving and Growing as an LDS Single

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The Price of a First Kiss, and a Short Poll

big bang kissFirst of all, people can be so judgmental.

How often have you noticed people making comments on a news story or article when it’s obvious they haven’t even read the article first? Or even the first few lines of it? That seems to be the case with this article as well.  Big surprise.

This article comes from Doug Robinson in the Deseret News and is talked about in this opinion piece in LDS Living as well.

A mother jokingly offered her kids $10,000 to make it to their 18th birthday without kissing anyone. She was surprised when they expressed interest in the idea, and so far two of her kids have both earned the $10,000.

We won’t go into whether or not I was in the “VL” (or “Virgin Lips”) club when I turned 18, although I will say that I wish my parents had done this so that I could have cashed in.  However, they helped pay for both college and my mission, and they’re helping me out a great deal with my health issues in my adulthood, so I have no reason to wish further. My own two kids are in this age range, as one is 12 and the other 16.  My 16 year old has a girlfriend who I think is a sweetheart.

I reviewed a great book called How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk Avoid Jerk that talks about the benefits, even for adults, of waiting to kiss someone until several months into a relationship, which has garnered somewhat strong opinions from a few friends of mine when we’ve discuss the idea.

What do you think? How long do you wait until you kiss someone that you’re dating? Do you think this mother, quite by accident, stumbled on a good idea? It seems as though, at least, her two oldest kids think so. I’d love to hear your opinions, whether for or against.

And a couple questions for you:



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How Important is Appearance in Dating?

woman and man look in mirrorI can’t imagine a question that more of us ask over the years to ourselves than this one.  I think that, although it perhaps is of lesser importance in some circles as we get older, it does still hold some sway.  And, perhaps for some, it can be used as yet another excuse to be afraid of marriage.  And as former mid-single’s Bishop Steve Lang pointed out, are some of us still looking for a spiritual Angelina Jolie, or a 30 or 40 or 50 year old President Uchtdorf, and missing someone who is very real and would be a good match for us in the process, because we don’t recognize the proverbial “diamond in the rough,” or just a “diamond in a white shirt and tie or dress” who teaches primary on Sunday or Scouts during the week?

In a classic talk about agency in love and marriage, Lynn G. Robbins of the Seventy said:

For some people, falling in love is a magical encounter, something that seems to happen at first sight. For others, it is a growing affinity and attraction toward another, like budding blossoms that flower into a beautiful bouquet. Though the first type of love may also bloom like the second, it is often merely glandular, a cotton candy kind of love that has no substance. While it may begin with warm cuddles in moonlit glades, it can soon grow cold as honeymoon memories fade and familiarity turns to faultfinding.1
As quoted by Hathaway, Chas (2011-07-11). Marriage is Ordained of God But WHO Came Up with Dating? (p. 87). Cedar Fort, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Kimberly Reid also gave some great advice  and quotes in an article in the Ensign:

We will date those to whom we are attracted in several different ways, and physical attraction is part of a healthy relationship. However, we live in a society that emphasizes the body and limits the definition of beauty. If we are not careful, we may adopt unrealistic standards.
More than 65 yearsago, writer C. S. Lewis observed that the adversary uses distorted body images in the media to direct “the desires of men to something which does not exist.” 4  That trend increases today.

The Screwtape Letters (1942, 1996), 107

As we seek an attractive companion, the Holy Ghost can help us discern lasting qualities like faith, character, and personality. Such qualities will keep the relationship strong when age and the tests of mortality change our appearance. President Boyd K. Packer, (then) Acting President of the Quorumof the Twelve Apostles, has taught that amid “all of the deception” that may initially occur in dating—including always looking our best—we should remember that appearance and style “are essentially unessential. ”We must ask ourselves, Would I want this person to be the parent of my children? 6  Such priorities reflect an eternal perspective.

Instead of contemplating what qualities others have that might fill our needs, we can turn to the true source of fulfillment—the Savior. As we serve Him, our desire to serve others will increase, we’ll build genuine friendships, and we’ll experience the love often described by President Gordon B. Hinckley: “True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well being of one’s companion.” 9 

Chas Hathaway also reminds us :

You should also keep in mind that a girl tends to think of herself as less attractive than she really is, while a guy tends to assume that he is more attractive than he really is. (see photo, above)

Hathaway, Chas (2011-07-11). Marriage is Ordained of God But WHO Came Up with Dating? (p. 80). Cedar Fort, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Despite what sometimes creeps in as over-attention to a potential date’s appearance or something similar, we do need to, of course, be attracted to them.  However, sometimes in our search for a possible reason as to why someone else isn’t interested in us, we jump to conclusions too quickly in an effort to make ourselves feel better.  If we’re doing all we can to take good care of ourselves and our health (both physical and mental, and spiritual) we have no reason to fear and can move forward with our head held high.  It may not help, at first, to lessen the sting of rejection, but worrying about things that we can’t change will never do us much good.  Also, in the long run, why would we want to be with someone who isn’t interested in us, for whatever reason?

Next post: fun stories from married friends as to what they were looking for before they got married, and what they ended up seeing in their spouse when they met.

***Link: Survey for Singles: Meridian Magazine***

SurveyIcon Please click on the above link and take the survey! (This survey is a Part 2, but you did not have to have taken Part 1 to take this survey.) The links (one for me, one for women) are at the bottom of the short article.

My friend Erin McBride writes a column for the online LDS “Meridian Magazine.”  You can find the results of a recent survey here (with some interesting answers) and, best yet, take a more specific survey aimed at just singles with answers only from singles.  And take a looks at some of her past columns and see what you think!

“The purpose of this completely voluntary, unscientific survey, is to shine a light on the relationship challenges and expectations of Mormon single adults. The results of this survey will be reported in Meridian Magazine ( in the coming weeks.
Thank you for your participation.”


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(POLL) Attention Women/Chicks/Girls: what do you like to be called?

Imagegeneric woman file
This is a topic that has come up often with friends on Facebook and in real life over the years.  I’m curious to see what we can find out here.  So, women who are over 18, here is a poll (sorry guys, maybe next time):

Answers inspired by Shawn Gordon of LDS Dimension.  More on his new dating site in an upcoming post.

If you’d rather not be called a chick/woman/girl (any of these) or prefer lady or woman over girl etc., how come?  Please share!



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♥ Simple Relationship Poll

Love (Two red hearts)One thing I’ve noticed since my divorce is how so many singles (and even friends who are married) can be a bit self-conscious about their dating life or their past dating life.  Some of my favorite people have never been in a relationship, even into their 30’s or 40’s.  I refuse to speculate on the reasons for this, particularly since our circumstances are all so different, but the thought came to me that providing an anonymous poll could probably show us that no matter what our past or present, we’re probably not alone.  Not completely.  Please take each poll, and come back to see how others are answering.  It’s anonymous! No worries!