LDS Singles

Thriving and Growing as an LDS Single


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Part II of Two.  Go here for Part I, Stuck.

Review from before, some of the ways we can get “stuck in our ways”:

  1. We become too particular
  2. We’re unwilling to compromise on things that don’t matter that much
  3. Afraid of change, even if we don’t like where we are, and sometimes because we do, because it’s hard to believe it could get better
  4. Afraid of the sacrifices involved in friendships, dating, and marriage
  5. We always hang out with the same people, when finding the right person for us may require branching out
  6. It’s hard to believe that finding a new way of doing things may be the right answer for us

*Before I go on, though, I thought my friend Bob brought up another very important point.  I knew Bob in college.  Bob always had a lot of friends, but like so many, didn’t end up married until his late thirties.  Again, like so many, he wondered what he was doing wrong.  The answer to his prayers (that he gave me permission to share) was that he would find someone in time, and that he needed to be patient.

Although none of us is perfect, it us unfortunately true that even those who want to get married the most and pray and strive to do their best will sometimes just have to wait.  This situation could also fill volumes.  But we also shouldn’t give up and give in to fear and turn into hermits.  Striving to “not be stuck” in our social, professional, and family lives can fill that time and bring us a lot more happiness than I think we realize.  Progressing in whatever areas are available for us to progress in are always positives when we do them in wisdom and order.

Carol Tuttle, one of my favorite authors on relationships and an expert on how different personalities view the world, has written several books on how four basic different types of people often do things, based on the ancient Chinese “elements” of air, water, fire, and earth.  She calls these Types 1,2,3, and 4.  I’ll leave it up to you to check out one of her books and figure out which element you think you may “lead” with, but here I relate some of her advice on the four main ways that people get “stuck” in life.

She teaches these  about people being “stuck” in general, but I realized the other night while I was pondering this blog entry that they also apply quite well to dating. You may use them as either! Most people probably do these things so often, it becomes an ingrained habit that they don’t recognize in themselves. In order to know which one of these you may be doing, you need to be honest with yourself. You can find videos that explain these more thoroughly on YouTube. (Do a search for “Carol Tuttle” and “stuck”. Which of these do you think applies to you?

1. Loves the “idea” of new possibilities so much that they create excuses about moving on or trying something new.
2. You worry so much about what might be or could be or could go wrong, that you don’t make a decision. These could either be big or small decisions about dating or relationships. Or you’re continually “gathering details” about what kind of person you might need, or analyzing situations, and never move on.
3. Your life is so busy and full of things that you don’t stop and take time to meditate on what is most important, or what you could be doing better in your dating life or in making yourself a better companion. In other words, by rushing around and doing “more,” you’re actually settling for less.
4. You’re so busy critiquing possible matches from the get go that you don’t investigate further what might be good possibilities, or you’re too picky all around. This reminds me of a quote someone mentioned in Sunday School recently: “Go and do, don’t sit and stew.”

Ways of becoming “unstuck.”
1. Try new things
2. Consider new people
3. Consider what patterns you fall into with all your relationships, and not just in dating.
4. If #2 above applies to you, try working smarter, not harder.
5. Consider again if you may be too picky. If your friends and family will be honest with you about this, try taking their advice. Remember, “a date is only a date.”


Author: pickleclub1971

I'm a single mom of 2: a Southern CA native, who transplanted to Utah 4 years ago. I have one 18 year old who is off to the Ivy League, and one 14 year old who is in high school. I served an LDS Mission to Southern France and I’ve also lived in the San Francisco Bay Area, Idaho, Northern Arizona, and New Hampshire. I love 80’s music, classical music, choral music, playing the piano, singing, speaking what French I still remember, and talking about history and music with whomever will listen. I love that my kids are better at math than I was at their age. (But they still get frequent historical references from me…anyone familiar with Ducky from NCIS? He’s that kind of medical examiner, I’m that kind of mom.) My kids also think I know all the lyrics to all the songs from the 80’s, mainly because I’m good at making them up and faking it when I don’t know. Sometimes they catch me. I’m currently disabled with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I want to get better (of course) and be an advocate for trauma survivors and others with mental illnesses. I like people in general. I suffer from the delusion that I can make everyone my friend, but of course that isn’t possible: but I still believe that the world can be a better place.

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